Home of the Lord of the Rings Caption Page (est. July 2002)
*thinks to self* Maybe I shouldn't have sung that song earlier about fainting Frodo the Chaste... *gulp*
Fellowship! Forward!! Follow me!
*hissroarflame* - [cool computer programming there]
What manner of man are you that can summon up fire without flint or tinder?
I am a...balrog *dramatic chord*
By what name are you known?
There are some who call me... Tim?
Greetings, Tim the Balrog.
Greetings, Gandalf the Wizard.
You know my name...?
I do... you and your company seek to destroy the One Ring.
You see much that is hidden, Tim the Balrog.
Well, not really... . The little guy at the back there has forgotten to hide the ring, silly boy.
Look, ahem, Tim, would you mind to turn down your fire a bit, I haven't got my sunglasses with me... and by the way, any help to tell us how to get to Mount Doom would be helpful, you know....
What's in it for me?
*thinks to self* They're all corrupt these days... those demons of the ancient world just aren't what they once were... sigh....
You will have a HUGE part in a new film that we're planning to do... . Deal?
Follow the sparks. To the north there lies a cave -- the cave of Careto Banorc -- wherein, carved in mystic runes upon the very living rock, the last words of Ulfin Bedweer of Regett [boom] describe the way to Mount Doom. Follow the sparks....follow only if ye be men of valor, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of four fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave fellowship, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty big pointy teeth....
Narrator - And so it came to pass that the Fellowship left Tim the Balrog and continued there journey...
*thinks to self* Big, pointy teeth... I really shouldn't have made fun of Frodo the Chaste...
*thinks to self* Big, pointy teeth...
*thinks to self* What an eccentric performance that was.... .
* later *
This is the cave.... *dramatic chord* *silence*
Lovely craftsmenship... . No wonder it's called Careto Banorc... I love to ban orcs from this place! But where's the foul, treacherous creature...?
*loud voice resounds from all around* - THEEERRRE!!! RRRRIGHT THEEERRREE!!
Where...? Behind the rabbit?
*loud voice* NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! IT IS THE RRRRRRRABBIT!
You know, Mr. Frodo, I think Tim the Balrog has a mental disorder.
I think you might be right, Sam.
silly sod, that Tim. Got us all worked up!!
*loud voice* [RIGHT CLICK for soundfile] Well, that's no oridinary rabbit! That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on.
You silly twit! I soiled my armor I was so scared! [sorry, that's the script]
*loud voice* That rrrrrrabit is a killllllerrrrrr!!!
What does it do, then? Nibble your bum?
I'll chop his head off.
And I've got some lovely taters that would go along fine with stewed rabbit...
Narrator - But Gandalf had already marched towards the rabbit, ready for a spell, when the rabbit jumps at him and "savages him to death" [again, the script - well Gandalf dies somewhere, doesn't he]
Narrator - And the fellowship ran... and ran... and ran... until they were stopped by blonde haired elves.
*singing* - The brave fellowship ran away, Bravely ran away away, When danger reared its ugly head, they bravely turned their tails and fled, Yes the brave fellowship turned about, and gallantly they chickened out taking to their feet...
It's true, though.
*thinking* These captions are all so predictable...
*Narrator* And so it came to pass that the Fellowship was led to Galadriel, fairest and wisest of all....
*music, crescendo - silence*
Celeborn - You know, Galadriel dear, I really wish we'd start to introduce cleaning rituals at the borders of our realm... that stranger looks awful...
Galadriel - You know perfectly well that we cannot do that. It isn't good for tourism, these tough border controls. Now just be nice. 'Tis just a blink of an eye in your life-time anyway.
Welcome, my dear guests from far away. You have traveled far as I can smell- *Galadriel kicks him from under her dress* - ahem, as I can see... . How can we help you at Lothlorien holiday resorts?
We need to get past the mighty Killer Rabbit at the Cave of Careto Banorc. Can you help us?
*to self* I cannot withstand these puppy eyes...
Yes, I can help you.
*lots of "ahs" and "ohs" of audience at the pretty swan boat to be heard*
Galadriel - Frodo, ...
... I give to you... The Holy Hand Grenade of Lorien. 'Tis one of the sacred relics of this Realm.
The Holy Hand Granade of Lorien? What do I do with that? How do I use it?
Listen to the old stories that are told: And Galadriellissima raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'Oh, Elflord , bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thy enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And the Elflord did grin, and people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large --"
Pippin - Did she just say breakfast cereals...? I'm hungry!
Merry- Shut up! Listen!
... "And the Elflord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Lorien towards thou foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.'"
Frodo *thinks to self*: I am surrounded by eccentrics....
Continued [on page 4]