The Bagginses

Home of the Lord of the Rings Caption Page (est. July 2002)

LotR Jokes Page 2

What did Pippin say when he first came to Fangorn?
"May I ENT-er?"

What did Frodo say when he saw the trees dancing?
"That's ENT-ertainment!"

What did Merry say when he was capured and carried away by the Uruk-hai?
"This is an ORC-ward position!"

What did Sam say when he heard the minions sing?
"That is an out of tune ORC-hestra!"

Sauron and Galadriel decided to get married.
They asked Gandalf to marry them, and he agreed:
"All right, if so.. Before Eru and the people I announce you husband and wife. You may now exchange your Rings...

Frodo is lying on the ground after being stabbed.
Sam: "Help him, Strider!"
Strider: "He's been stabbed by...(looks at the dagger more closely)...a TV-shop Kitchen Knife?!

This old man and women were sleeping in their bed when they heard a loud knock on their door. The old women woke up and made her husband go see who was at the door. The old man put on his trousers and opened the door to see Boromir (who was very drunk) staggering at the door. Boromir said, "I need a push!" The old man said, "Sod off you drunk!" and slammed the door in his face." As he crawled back in bed, his wife asked about who was at the door. He told her about Boromir and what he wanted. The old woman looked furious and said, "Do you remember that time we had to go to your sisters wedding and our carriage went into a ditch, we couldn�t get the carriage out. If that stranger hadn�t come by and helped push our carriage out of the ditch we would have never made it to the wedding."
The old man remembered that day and felt bad. He went outside but couldn�t find Boromir. So he called out into the darkness, "Boromir! Do you still need a push?" From the distance the old man heard "Yes!" The old man replyed, "I can�t see you Boromir, where are you?" To this Boromir replyed, "I�m in the backyard, on the swing!"

Who is Frodos favourite musician?
Sting!

Why are hobbit doors round?
If you had 9 meals a day you need a round door too!

A hobbit man named Frederick had always wanted to take a ride in a hay wagon. Every year, he would stand just outside the hay wagon ride booth at the Shire Faire, staring mournfully, and say to his wife,"I sure would love a ride in that hay wagon." And his stingy wife would say. "Yes dear, but the ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
Every year for a very long time this same scene occured outside the hay wagon ride booth. Finally, on or about the 25th year, the wagon driver came out and offered Frederick and his wife a free hay wagon ride, on one condition: that they stayed completely silent the entire ride. If they didn�t, he would charge them.
Frederick hardily agreed, and he and his wife boarded the hay wagon. The driver drove the wagon as fast as it could go, did heart-stopping turns, and nearly tipped the wagon into the Brandywine River, all to get Frederick or his wife to make a noise, so he could collect his money. Finally, after exhuasting all his tricks, he pulled back up to his booth. Amazed, he asked Frederick. "How did you stay so quiet? I did tricks that almost made me squeal!"
"Well," said Frederick, "I was going to say something when my wife fell into the river back there, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

Shelob didn't care about the ring. Think about it, if she'd put it on, who'd be scared of her?

After the visit of Gimli, son of Gloin, the dwarves started coming to Lorien pretty often. Poor Galadriel became bald like a knee..

Three Minions, captured by the Elves, are scheduled to be executed. The Elven warden asks them what they want for their last meal.
"Red meat," the first responds. The warden serves him his red meat, then leads him to his execution.
The second fellow requests a fresh chicken. The warden serves it to him and escorts him to his execution.
The third Orc says, "I�d like a plate of strawberries."
"I�m sorry," says the warden, "but strawberries are out of season."
"Ah," says the prisoner. "I�ll wait."

A Gondorian drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you�ll come and dance on my grave."
The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir!
I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I�d never stand in another line.."

During The Last Alliance of Elves and Men, an elf was captured by an orc. He was injured very badly, and his arm needed to be amputated.
He asked the orc, "Could you send my arm to Mirkwood?"
The orc said he would.
The next day the elf�s other arm had to be amputated, and he asked if it could be sent to Mirkwood, too.The orc agreed.
Then the elf�s leg had to be amputated, and he asked the same thing. The orc agreed to that as well.
But when the elf�s other leg had to be amputated, and he asked thing same to be done with it, the orc got fed up.
"Now hold on," the orc said, "You�re trying to escape, aren�t you?"

An Ent was once walking by the bank of Anduin and saw a strange log with eyes.
"Hum, hurum?" - he wondered.
"Gollum, Gollum" - the log confirmed.

Gollum and Sauron were making a deal on the top of Orodruin:
- Let'sss make it fair-sssss - you takessss the ring, usss the finger...

And the minstrel exclaimed:
-Listen, peoples of Arda! Listen to the ballade about Frodo of the Nine Fingers,Sauron the Red-Eyed, Samwise the Brainless, and other invalids of the Third Epoch...

Gimli is captured by Orcs and taken to Mordor as a prisoner. He is shown around the fiery dungeons where he can hear screams of pain and despair - not a very nice place! Anyway, the goblin in charge of the dungeon that day is in a good mood because it is his birthday, so he feels he�ll be nice to Gimli.
"Dwarf, you will be imprisoned here for the rest of your life, but I will let you choose your dungeon. You may see three dungeons, then you must make your choice".
Gimli thinks "Okay, I�ll give this a go" and goes to the first dungeon. In it is a large cave troll stretching Dwarves on a wrack
"Hmm" says Gimli, "I don�t like the look of that", and goes to the second dungeon. In here, goblins are busily working away on a hobbit, pulling out his teeth and fingernails.
"Ouch! That one looks even worse!" so he goes to the third dungeon. The room is filled with foul sewage from the Orcs sleeping quarters, and stinks awfully. However, the room is filled with other dwarves, drinking ale and smoking pipeweed, chatting away to eachother.
"This one looks okay!" thinks Gimli. "Have you made your choice?" Asks the goblin...
"Yes" replies Gimli, "I�ll take the third dungeon".
The goblin cackled and pushed Gimli into the stinking dungeon before locking the door... "Right!" he shouts..."tea break�s over... now, back on your heads!"

Who said Sauron is black and dark!?
What would have you become if you lived your whole life by a smoking volcano?

Gandalf was lighting his pipe in the burial chamber of Balin:
"Naur an edraith ammen! Naur... oh, shit. Summoned the Balrog...Run!"

What do you call a elf with out any toys
Leggo-less

What do you call a elf with no legs?
Leg-o-less

Blonde Jokes...

"Three hobbits found a magic mirror in the northernmos part of the Shire. As soon as they looked into the mirror it started swerving and making weird designs and called out in a loud voice, �If you can look in my face and tell the truth you shall be given one perfect wish.�
The first hobbit who was a brunet walked up to the mirror and said, �I think brunet hobbits are the cutest in the world!�
The mirror started swirling around and suddenly sucked the hobbit in the mirror.
�I think black haired hobbits are the smartest!� the second hobbit was sucked in to the mirror.
Finally the blond hobbit stepped up and said, �I think...� then blonde hobbit was sucked up too!"

There were ten blonde elves and Strider holding on to a rope strung across an enormous chasm. The rope was starting to break, but would hold if just one person�s weight was off of the rope. Strider valiantly decided to throw himself into the chasm. "I will jump, and save you all" He said. The blonde elves were so touched, they clapped!

A hobbit,an elf and a blonde rider of Rohan are discussing their favourite drinking places back home. The hobbit say�s " Back in the shire there is an inn where the keeper will buy you your first drink, What do you think of that?"The elf and the rider agree that this is a nice gesture but then the elf say�s "Back in Mirkwood there is an inn where the landlord buy�s you a drink whenever you buy yourself one".
The hobbit and the rider agree that this is a more generous offer but then the Rider of Rohan say�s "There is an inn back in my home village where the landlord buys you your drinks all night long and then takes you into the storeroom and makes love to you!"
"WOW" exclaim both the elf and the hobbit! "What is the name of this Inn?" and the rider say�s "I�m not sure, My sister told me about it"

A blonde woman in Rohan had two horses, but she couldn�t tell them apart. So she asked her hobbit neighbor for advice. He suggested that she cut the tail off one of the horses.This worked until the other horse snagged his tail on a fence accidentally cutting his tail off.So the neighbor suggested notching one of the horses� ear. This worked until the other horse snagged his ear on a fence accidentally notching his ear. So the neighbor suggested measuring the heights of the horses.And sure enough, the white horse was two inches taller than the black horse.

Gandalf: 'Stupid kids!'
*sets off fireworks*
*kids cheer***
Gandalf: 'Crap.....missed.'