The Bagginses

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LotR Jokes Page 1

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Frodo and Sam are in Lothlorien at night, just about to go to sleep. Suddenly, Frodo turns to Sam and says- "Sam, look up. What do you see?"
Sam thinks for a moment, then turns to Frodo and says-
"Master, I see the stars in the heavens. They seem to be a never-ending map of heavens. They are infinite, shrouded in mystery, beautiful and amazing to behold, and far too complex for a young hobbit such as myself to fully comprehend.
And Frodo replies- "Sam, you fool, someone stole our tent!!

"This is my friend, Gimli" - Legolas introduced the dwarf to Treebeard.
Treebeard looked at Gimli's axe suspiciously.
"And his axe is not for trees." - Legolas continued. "He chops the orc's heads off with it.."
"Hum, rurum..Really?! - Treebeard said in relief.
"Really!" - said Gimli. "For trees I've got a saw..."

"Cut...CUT!! You idiots! I said you better save the dairy shelves..NOT shave the hairy elves..."

Gimli walked into a bar and sat down next to an elf. He proudly introduced himself - "I'm Gimli. I have the eyes of an eagle and the ears of a fox!
The elf bought him an ale and they had a nice chat. Aftera while the elf got a bit drunk and decided to leave.
"It was interesting to get to know you, dwarf" - he said. "You really live up to that name of yours.."
Gimli felt quite good hearing that. As the elf wabbled out Gimli could hear him laugh to himself.-
"Gilmore. I have the brain of a seagull and the tail of a fox in my face... Must remeber that!"

Merry and Pippin are at night-camp. Merry comes back from the dark forest and finds Pippin tied up to a tree. A bunch of orcs are sitting by the fire. Merry stops- "Pip, what the mushrooms is going on here? All I said was that I'll be right back, stay tight, clean and pile our plates and forks.."
Pippin looks uo, quite happy and answers-
"OH! That's it! I thought you said I'll be right back, meanwhile invite our mates the orcs.."

Sam and Rosie are walking in the Shire when Rosie sees Sauron.
"Oh, no" - she cries. She turns to Sam and rips of her clothes. "Make me a woman, Sam, before Sauron kills us all!"
Sam takes of his shirt and says-
"Okay, here. Iron this shirt..."

An orc captain was marching his entire army to attack Rivendell, they were passing an old abandoned city when they heard a voice within the ancient city's walls: "One Elf is better than ten orc soldiers!" The captain was enraged and immediatly sent ten of his best troops over the walls while the remainder of the company waited outside. Then came the sound of a terriffic fight going on, soon all was quiet. Then the voice spoke again: "One Elven soldier isbetter than a hundred orc soldiers!" Well, the captain sent hundred of his best men over the walls. Soon came the sounds of fight and then silence. The voice spoke up again: "One Elven soldier is better than a thousand orc soldiers!" The captain was furious. He immediately sent the remainder of his troops over the walls save only himself.
There came the sound of a fierce battle, and then silence followed by the sound of an elf laughing. Finally, one lone orc stumbled back from the battle and collapsed at the captains feet. "Speak! What happened?" asked the captain. The soldier replied with his last breath. "It....was..a trap..there's...TWO...of...them..."

A small hobbit walks in the doctor's office.
"What can I do for you?" the doctor asks.
The hobbit answers unhappily: "I'm loosing my hair.."
The doctor takes a quick look at his hair and smiles: "No chance that you will get bold. Your hair is thick, healthy and shiny!!"
The hobbit angrily replies: "Not on my head, you fool. On my feet..."

What did the guy say when he bumped into the wizard?
"Saruman, I didn�t see you there."

How did the hobbit ruin the boxing match?
He tried to destroy the ring

What did Pippin do when he got drunk?
He began to feel Merry

Sam, Pippin, and Frodo enter themselves in the Book of Middle Earthen Records. Sam enters himself for smallest feet, Pippin enters himself for smallest legs, and Frodo enters himself for smallest brain. In a few weeks, a letter comes by Shire-post to each hobbit. Sam opens his and says, "Hurray, I have the smallest feet in the world!" Pippin opens his and says, "Hurray, I have the smallest legs in the world!" Frodo opens his, looks disgusted, throws it on the ground and stomps on the letter while screaming, "Who the hell is Legolas?!?!"

A hobbit was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you�ll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the hobbit returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that�s amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The hobbit nodded. "I�ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day "from hunger you mean?" "No from skipping".

The Pains of Radagast:
Radagast had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten legs on them. Each bird had a sack over its head; only the legs were showing.
He sat straight in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. Yavanna announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds� legs and give the common name, habitat, genus and species. The student looked at each of the birds� legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the madder he got.
Finally he could stand it no longer. He went up to Yavanna�s desk and said, "What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?" With that Radagast threw his test on Yavanna�s desk and walked to the door.
Yavanna was surprised. The class was so big that she didn�t know every potential Maia�s name so as Radagast reached the door Yavanna called, "Maia, what�s your name?"
The enraged Radagast pulled up his cloak, showing his leg and said, "You tell me! You tell me!"

One day Grima Wormtongue is walking along the road when he trips on a rock.
He kicks it, and out pops a powerful Maia from the First Age! The Maia says to him, "I will grant you three wishes, but choose wisely." Grima thinks for a second and says, "I wish to be the richest being alive." The Maia nods, and suddenly he is surrounded by heaps of jewels and gold and silver. Grima smiles a wicked smile and says, " I wish to be the wisest being in the world." The Maia nods and gifts him with lore greater then Saruman. Then Grima says, "Finally, I wish to be totally irresistable to women." And the Maia turns him into Legolas.

Two orcs were walking through the pits of Isengard and one said "Aren�t you afraid of mad-orc disease?" To which the other replied, "Don�t be stupid, I�m a penguin!"

-Gandalf looking into Palantir-
"I knew I should have watched the weather report for snow-deep on Caradras instead of that silly Ricky Lake show..."

Two elves went hunting. The old elf had been hunting all his life but his young nephew was hunting for the first time. The old elf told his nephew to sit down and not make a sound. So he did. But when he got 100 yards away, he heard a scream. "I thought I told you to be quiet!" he angrily said to his nephew.
"Well, I was when the snake bit me" said the nephew. "And when the orc attacked me...but when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg and said, 'Should we eat them or take them with us,' I screamed.."

Why did the minion throw a sundial from the top of the tower?
He wanted to see time fly by..

Merry and Pippin were walking home from the Inn one evening. Both had had more of their fair share of ale and it was dark. All of a sudden. Merry falls down a large Pot Hole and breaks one of his legs.
Merry: "Pippin, don't just stand there. Call me a doctor..Quick!"
Pippin: "If you say so Merry. MERRY IS A DOCTOR!! MERRY IS A DOCTOR!!!

The Fellowship came into the Balin's burial chamber and saw the orcish bones lying around...broken shields and bottles.... and on the great stone plate it said:
"Here lies Balin, king of Moria. Don't wake him up - he's even scarier when he's drunk..."

What did Pippin say when he first came to Fangorn?
"May I ENT-er?"

What did Frodo say when he saw the trees dancing?
"That's ENT-ertainment!"

What did Merry say when he was capured and carried away by the Uruk-hai?
"This is an ORC-ward position!"

What did Sam say when he heard the minions sing?
"That is an out of tune ORC-hestra!"

Sauron and Galadriel decided to get married.
They asked Gandalf to marry them, and he agreed:
"All right, if so.. Before Eru and the people I announce you husband and wife. You may now exchange your Rings...

Frodo is lying on the ground after being stabbed.
Sam: "Help him, Strider!"
Strider: "He's been stabbed by...(looks at the dagger more closely)...a TV-shop Kitchen Knife?!

This old man and women were sleeping in their bed when they heard a loud knock on their door. The old women woke up and made her husband go see who was at the door. The old man put on his trousers and opened the door to see Boromir (who was very drunk) staggering at the door. Boromir said, "I need a push!" The old man said, "Sod off you drunk!" and slammed the door in his face." As he crawled back in bed, his wife asked about who was at the door. He told her about Boromir and what he wanted. The old woman looked furious and said, "Do you remember that time we had to go to your sisters wedding and our carriage went into a ditch, we couldn�t get the carriage out. If that stranger hadn�t come by and helped push our carriage out of the ditch we would have never made it to the wedding."
The old man remembered that day and felt bad. He went outside but couldn�t find Boromir. So he called out into the darkness, "Boromir! Do you still need a push?" From the distance the old man heard "Yes!" The old man replyed, "I can�t see you Boromir, where are you?" To this Boromir replyed, "I�m in the backyard, on the swing!"

Who is Frodos favourite musician?
Sting!

Why are hobbit doors round?
If you had 9 meals a day you need a round door too!

A hobbit man named Frederick had always wanted to take a ride in a hay wagon. Every year, he would stand just outside the hay wagon ride booth at the Shire Faire, staring mournfully, and say to his wife,"I sure would love a ride in that hay wagon." And his stingy wife would say. "Yes dear, but the ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
Every year for a very long time this same scene occured outside the hay wagon ride booth. Finally, on or about the 25th year, the wagon driver came out and offered Frederick and his wife a free hay wagon ride, on one condition: that they stayed completely silent the entire ride. If they didn�t, he would charge them.
Frederick hardily agreed, and he and his wife boarded the hay wagon. The driver drove the wagon as fast as it could go, did heart-stopping turns, and nearly tipped the wagon into the Brandywine River, all to get Frederick or his wife to make a noise, so he could collect his money. Finally, after exhuasting all his tricks, he pulled back up to his booth. Amazed, he asked Frederick. "How did you stay so quiet? I did tricks that almost made me squeal!"
"Well," said Frederick, "I was going to say something when my wife fell into the river back there, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

Shelob didn't care about the ring. Think about it, if she'd put it on, who'd be scared of her?

After the visit of Gimli, son of Gloin, the dwarves started coming to Lorien pretty often. Poor Galadriel became bald like a knee..

Three Minions, captured by the Elves, are scheduled to be executed. The Elven warden asks them what they want for their last meal.
"Red meat," the first responds. The warden serves him his red meat, then leads him to his execution.
The second fellow requests a fresh chicken. The warden serves it to him and escorts him to his execution.
The third Orc says, "I�d like a plate of strawberries."
"I�m sorry," says the warden, "but strawberries are out of season."
"Ah," says the prisoner. "I�ll wait."

A Gondorian drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you�ll come and dance on my grave."
The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir!
I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I�d never stand in another line.."

During The Last Alliance of Elves and Men, an elf was captured by an orc. He was injured very badly, and his arm needed to be amputated.
He asked the orc, "Could you send my arm to Mirkwood?"
The orc said he would.
The next day the elf�s other arm had to be amputated, and he asked if it could be sent to Mirkwood, too.The orc agreed.
Then the elf�s leg had to be amputated, and he asked the same thing. The orc agreed to that as well.
But when the elf�s other leg had to be amputated, and he asked thing same to be done with it, the orc got fed up.
"Now hold on," the orc said, "You�re trying to escape, aren�t you?"

An Ent was once walking by the bank of Anduin and saw a strange log with eyes.
"Hum, hurum?" - he wondered.
"Gollum, Gollum" - the log confirmed.

Gollum and Sauron were making a deal on the top of Orodruin:
- Let'sss make it fair-sssss - you takessss the ring, usss the finger...

And the minstrel exclaimed:
-Listen, peoples of Arda! Listen to the ballade about Frodo of the Nine Fingers,Sauron the Red-Eyed, Samwise the Brainless, and other invalids of the Third Epoch...

Gimli is captured by Orcs and taken to Mordor as a prisoner. He is shown around the fiery dungeons where he can hear screams of pain and despair - not a very nice place! Anyway, the goblin in charge of the dungeon that day is in a good mood because it is his birthday, so he feels he�ll be nice to Gimli.
"Dwarf, you will be imprisoned here for the rest of your life, but I will let you choose your dungeon. You may see three dungeons, then you must make your choice".
Gimli thinks "Okay, I�ll give this a go" and goes to the first dungeon. In it is a large cave troll stretching Dwarves on a wrack
"Hmm" says Gimli, "I don�t like the look of that", and goes to the second dungeon. In here, goblins are busily working away on a hobbit, pulling out his teeth and fingernails.
"Ouch! That one looks even worse!" so he goes to the third dungeon. The room is filled with foul sewage from the Orcs sleeping quarters, and stinks awfully. However, the room is filled with other dwarves, drinking ale and smoking pipeweed, chatting away to eachother.
"This one looks okay!" thinks Gimli. "Have you made your choice?" Asks the goblin...
"Yes" replies Gimli, "I�ll take the third dungeon".
The goblin cackled and pushed Gimli into the stinking dungeon before locking the door... "Right!" he shouts..."tea break�s over... now, back on your heads!"

Who said Sauron is black and dark!?
What would have you become if you lived your whole life by a smoking volcano?

Gandalf was lighting his pipe in the burial chamber of Balin:
"Naur an edraith ammen! Naur... oh, shit. Summoned the Balrog...Run!"

What do you call a elf with out any toys
Leggo-less

What do you call a elf with no legs?
Leg-o-less

Blonde Jokes...

"Three hobbits found a magic mirror in the northernmos part of the Shire. As soon as they looked into the mirror it started swerving and making weird designs and called out in a loud voice, �If you can look in my face and tell the truth you shall be given one perfect wish.�
The first hobbit who was a brunet walked up to the mirror and said, �I think brunet hobbits are the cutest in the world!�
The mirror started swirling around and suddenly sucked the hobbit in the mirror.
�I think black haired hobbits are the smartest!� the second hobbit was sucked in to the mirror.
Finally the blond hobbit stepped up and said, �I think...� then blonde hobbit was sucked up too!"

There were ten blonde elves and Strider holding on to a rope strung across an enormous chasm. The rope was starting to break, but would hold if just one person�s weight was off of the rope. Strider valiantly decided to throw himself into the chasm. "I will jump, and save you all" He said. The blonde elves were so touched, they clapped!

A hobbit,an elf and a blonde rider of Rohan are discussing their favourite drinking places back home. The hobbit say�s " Back in the shire there is an inn where the keeper will buy you your first drink, What do you think of that?"The elf and the rider agree that this is a nice gesture but then the elf say�s "Back in Mirkwood there is an inn where the landlord buy�s you a drink whenever you buy yourself one".
The hobbit and the rider agree that this is a more generous offer but then the Rider of Rohan say�s "There is an inn back in my home village where the landlord buys you your drinks all night long and then takes you into the storeroom and makes love to you!"
"WOW" exclaim both the elf and the hobbit! "What is the name of this Inn?" and the rider say�s "I�m not sure, My sister told me about it"

A blonde woman in Rohan had two horses, but she couldn�t tell them apart. So she asked her hobbit neighbor for advice. He suggested that she cut the tail off one of the horses.This worked until the other horse snagged his tail on a fence accidentally cutting his tail off.So the neighbor suggested notching one of the horses� ear. This worked until the other horse snagged his ear on a fence accidentally notching his ear. So the neighbor suggested measuring the heights of the horses.And sure enough, the white horse was two inches taller than the black horse.

Gandalf: 'Stupid kids!'
*sets off fireworks*
*kids cheer***
Gandalf: 'Crap.....missed.'