Home of the Lord of the Rings Caption Page (est. July 2002)
Today began like every other day.
Oh, wait, Theodred was mortally wounded...which means I'm next in line to be king...man, that's gonna be sweet.
Er, anyway, we were all very sad. Except Grima.
Speaking of Grima, I think he likes my sister. Yuck. He would totally give her cooties.
And when I told him so, the little greaseball had me banished! Was I ever ticked.
I was glad to get away from crazy Uncle T, though. Mom's side of the family has never practiced proper hygiene.
So, I rode around for awhile. It was boring...
...until my buddies and I came upon a band of Orcs! We vanquished them! We vanquished them good!!
Then we found an Elf, a Man, and a Dwarf on the Riddermark. The Elf became most defensive when I asked him where he had his hair dyed. I had to ask! Being banished from Rohan means being banished from Morwen's House of Hair, too.
I told the Man about our rockin' Orc vanquishment. He told me we accidentally killed two of his sweet, innocent little Hobbit friends in the midst of our frenzied bloodbath.
They left. We rode around some more. We do a lot of that. Riding, I mean.
Finally Gandalf the Bleached came and told me my people were under seige. Apart from whacking me with his staff whenever I started to sing "Blinded by the Light," he was cool.
We arrived at Helm's Deep just in time to save the day! Bet you didn't see that one coming!!
My men and I were out playing hide-and seek in the woods...
...when a bunch of eyeliner-wearing weirdos came charging by with an oliphaunt.
I told my archers to fire because I figured Daddy might like it if I brought him home an oliphaunt...
...which I would have done if the idiots hadn't killed it. (author's sidenote--just pretend the pink-sweater-wearer is a distraught Easterling)
So, I had to settle for capturing two little hobbits instead. Aren't they cute?
somehow managed to figure out that the pretty one had the Ring of Power. Man, I'm good!
Knowing Daddy wanted me to learn more about Boromir's death, I took charge, roughed them up a bit and staged an interrogation, which progressed thusly:
"So.......do you feel lucky, punk?"
I took their newt-thingy prisoner, too, because....uh....because....because I felt like it, that's why!
I took them to Gondor, where the site of my beauteous homeland inspired me to let loose with an impromtu rendition of the grand finale solo of Radagast the Brown's classic opera, "Shieldmaiden Butterfly."
Then a winged Nazgul showed up. Apparently they're attracted to the sound of high-pitched screeches. You learn something new every day.
After the Nazgul flew away, I had some words with the chubby hobbit.
"Do you know what happened to your brother? He tried to take the ring from Frodo! He went crazy! CRAZY, I tell you! Mad, loony, bonkers, wacko! HE LOST HIS FREAKEN' MARBLES, OKAY??!!
The little twerp had given me major sass-back from the start, but in this case I had to agree with him. Ol' Boro wasn't exactly the steadiest wheel on the cart.
Tapping into my deep, inherent sense of honor and justice...which I inherited from a certain someone...someone who doesn't appreciate another certain someone as much as he should...*sniff*...I let them go.
Besides, their newt was really grossing me out.
My men then took this golden opportunity to inform me that my life was now forfeit.