Home of the Lord of the Rings Caption Page (est. July 2002)
Was reading a book late last Sunday
and thought to myself, "what to do?"
Because i was plum out of coffee
and was craving a cup, maybe two.
So, on to the Road - I was hasty
and walked across town for a few
Was stopped twice by strangers in sable
Who chased me for what, I've no clue.
AH! Starbucks ahead, I can see it!
but, oh, there's a lag ill defined..
The cup, Sam, I think it is heavy...
Don't think I can make it in time.
Will I ever make it to Starbucks
Will the One Coffee Mug bring me down?
And what will I do when I get there,
having walked all the way across town?
Was watching him read last Sunday
And knew he would move before long
He tried to resist, but in vain
The call of coffee was too strong
I grabbed a coat and followed him
All across town in his wild flight
I couldn't let him go alone
And events proved that I was right
Those black strangers, what did they want?
And why so slow on the last mile?
Frodo, if only you'd let me
Take that burden from you awhile
You'd make it to Starbuck in time
To answer that relentless tug
And strengthened by holy caffeine
At last fill the One Coffee Mug
I managed to talk to old Gandalf,
Alone, guietly, him and me.
I remember his words, they were many,
and the meaning is found, I can see.
"On the road you will find friends unlooked for,
In places you'd never believe.
Your burden need not be too heavy,
The One Mug, some one will relieve.
"The Groupies will gather in number
and one will come forth very well.
Trust in the help she will offer -
She'll help you, this Elanorelle."
Lo and behold, I am weary,
Caffeine withdrawal is real.
Elanorelle, will you help me?
Because, I am fading, I feel.
The Starbuck's is just up the roadway,
one half a mile, at the most.
Would you carry the One Mug and help me,
I think I could live with French Roast.
Ah good old Gandalf, he always
Could find the right word, bless his heart
Such wisdom and understanding
A sage at the peak of his art
Friends unlooked for I've found indeed
In the most unlikely places
We share burdens and joys alike
Tears and laughter in fast paces
And when we see someone in need
Like a new Fellowship we stand
One or the other always there
To keep the trust and give a hand
HunkaHobbit, do not despair
You're not alone on this long road
Many stand by and will assist
And here I will carry your load
Oh but the One Mug is heavy,
Run to Starbuck while I trudge on
French Roast in steaming cups awaits
Half a mile, and the quest is done
My Cousin and I were quite happy
Having a pint late last night
When Gandalf arrived unexpectedly
To tell us of your dreadful plight
"Fear not for the sake of The Mug
Faithful Sam has that well in hand.
You must help your friend in his pain
Against this evil he must take a stand"
Donning cloaks we rushed to your side
And wished Sam well on his quest,
"Don't worry, your Frodo is safe"
We promise we will do what is best.
Just half a mile and the quest is done
French Roast will be yours to enjoy
And should we meet evil on the way
Gandalf the troops will deploy.
Trust in us dear Frodo
This Fellowship will always stay true
And stand by our friends forever
Whatever evil may do.
It seems I will make it to Starbucks,
I will make it there by tonight.
A fellowship formed to assist me -
Gandalf, friend, you were right.
The burden I found got quite heavy,
the Mug that was weighing so much
But now it seems to be lighter,
And easier to carry as such.
I'll buy you all coffee for helping
and see that there's food also there.
We'll pig out on brownies and java,
And laugh at what once was despair.
Oh Wait! What's happened? This can't be!
The Quest has now all but failed!
"Sorry, we're closed until Wednesday"
The sign on the door says it well!
"You have to move on or face charges;
I don't want to see that occur.
Kindly move on now and quickly"
The rest is just one hazy blurr.
I dreamed I was watching some fireworks;
The flame of it filled all my sight.
But then I was thinking it funny,
That somehow it looked like a fight.
I dreamed I was carried by someone
much larger and stronger it seemed.
It felt like a long time we traveled,
But then, who could tell, I deemed.
The next thing I knew I was floating
in bedsheets and pillows galore
I heard Gandalf talk about coffee,
And saw someone walk through the door.
YEE GADS! I exclaimed in my stupor;
The dude had a look that could kill!
He spoke and old Gandalf responded,
But I just lay perfectly still.
His ears were as pointed as mine were,
but man-sized was he, it would seem.
"Welcome to Starbucks" he greeted,
"Here's French Roast, two sugars and cream".
"The Council will meet in the morning
To see what to do with the Mug.
There's folks arriving from elsewhere,
A dwarf, two elves and a thug."
I rested in peace with my coffee,
So hard won I couldn't believe.
It's comfortable here, and I'm thinking,
It's going to be real hard to leave.
That weird dude is calling a Council;
I guess my vacation must wait.
"Bring forth the Mug, Mr. Baggins"
Oh geez, I can't hide. It's too late.
I wished I had washed it or something.
It looked kind of bad, not so clean.
It was used that morning for coffee;
Maybe it shouldn't have been...
So I placed the Mug on the table -
The elves and the dwarf were all smug.
"It must be destroyed", said old Gandalf;
"Ah, 'tis a gift" said the thug
"It cannot be used" said a human;
And I thought, "who the heck can that be?"
"It's the ranger who found you unconscious"
Old Gandalf was speaking to me.
They argued about it's destruction.
They argued about what they should do.
They argued that someone must take it.
They argued until they were blue.
There simply was no way around it;
I sat there almost the whole day.
Finally I said I would take it,
Though I really did not know the way.
The human gave me his coffee
The elf said his sugar was mine.
The Dwarf gave his promise of creamer,
And the thug thought the whole thing was fine.
In the Council, the wierd dude proclaimed us
"The Fellowship of the One Mug".
He cave us some time to get ready,
He wanted to give me a hug.
"No way" thought I as I hurried
Past the elves - through the door - to my room.
I hid there for what seemed like hours,
contemplating a whole other doom.
In walked old Bilbo who carried
A package he wanted to show.
He unwrapped the bundle and laid it
On the bed in the evening glow.
A coffee pot worthy of Arda
And something he held in the light
It glittered and shown in it's beauty,
but somehow it just wasn't right.
"Dear Bilbo, what is this you give me?
Victoria's Secret it seems.
I don't think it goes with my jacket;
The others will see it and scream."
"It's mithril, you numbskull," said Bilbo.
"It's made by the elves long ago.
Under your garments you wear it.
And then you can see it won't show"
"Oy vey" was all I could mutter.
Determined as Bilbo was then.
An argument would have been pointless.
In that sort of thing, he would win.
Good Lord! Build a fire! I am freezing!
This camping thing isn't my gig.
I don't want to budge from my blanket -
I'm starting to not give a fig.
It started out quite to my liking.
The path we were on was a sight.
The woods and the valleys were awesome.
The evening meal a delight.
I slept on a rock like a boulder;
I'm aching from head right to toe.
My nose has icecycles hanging;
Is this really the way we should go?
Would someone get up and make coffee!
A cup or two may bring me 'round.
Would someone get up and get fire wood
and help me get off this cold ground!
Gandalf says we're to travel
This path fourty days from the start.
We're lucky to have him come with us.
to me, he seems really smart.
I talked to him while we were resting
and asked him about all he knew.
His knowledge went far back in history,
the One Mug's story he knew.
Ash kaf durcatisloose
Ash kaf gameortwo
Ash kaf trackinthemud
Ash bursting-thisis waytukul
One Mug to rule them all
One mug to find them
One mug to bring them all
And in the caffeine bind them
"Ah, the Mug" said he as if thinking
of times long ago, far away.
He sat there in silence a moment
And thought of just what he would say.
"The elves made such mugs for their coffee;
In Eregion they were all formed.
Many a mug saw its making
in this land, the elves magic home.
"Three mugs were made - they were elvish;
Seven, the Dwarves found their own.
Nine were possessed by the humans,
And then there was only the One.
The Dark Lord came out of his tower
To claim all the mugs he could find.
He formed and created the One Mug
So that to him the others would bind.
"He gathered the humans around him,
And their mugs he has held ever since.
The Dwarves have lost or forgotten
Where their seven mugs were dispensed.
The three he has never set hand on,
For the elves guard their mugs, it is true.
They're hidden and he has not found them,
So, Frodo, it's now up to you."
"You're kidding, of course, you are joking?"
He seemed pretty earnest to me.
I thought he might spill out the punch line;
And proclaim that the joke was on me.
But no, he hadn't been joking.
He was not just feeding a line.
For some oddball reason the One Mug
At this point in history was mine!
Oh Gandalf! What is it you're saying?"
I cried as reality hit.
To think that the Mug that I carried
Was one Middle Earth should forget.
To hide it away would seem wisdom,
To break it apart would suffice.
Somehow to render it useless,
All without much sacrifice.
"So, how in the world did I get this;
And how did the Mug come to me?
I bet you old Bilbo was shopping
And found it a bargain, you see.
"No!" said the old wizard stoutly,
"There's more to this tale you don't know.
It was hidden by Gollum for ages,
Bilbo claimed the Thing not long ago.
He took it in one of his travels
From Gollum who hid it so snug.
Now Gollum is hunting for Bilbo,
Or anyone with the One Mug.
He loves and he hates it, his 'prescious',
As he calls the One Mug that he lost.
But now that it's gone - he has wandered,
And hunts for the Mug at all cost."
"A pity my uncle was hasty,
And did not old Gollum strike down.
To kill him would have been easy"
I said to Gandalf with a frown.
"A pity? 'tis pity that stayed him,
and let the old Gollum go free.
It will rule the fate of so many,
and play havoc with you destiny"
I sat on the stone next to Gandalf,
I really had nothing to say.
He's right, of course, that is usual.
but his words were not making my day.
"I wish that the Mug had not found me.
I wish caffeine wasn't my taste.
I wish that none of this happened.
Yee Gads, this is all such a waste."
"Yeah, well", said the wizard all warmly,
"Life happens, or so they all say...
All you need do is determine
What to do with your time for today."
We started again on our journey
Through Moria, so it was named.
The Dwarf saw a doorway of interest,
and we, once again, were detained.
Now, orcs in a story are one thing,
Orcs on a page cannot kill.
Orcs in your dreams cannot harm you,
But the orcs that I saw certainly will.
They came by the hundreds like lightening,
My sword was so blue it could blind.
I never saw fighting like this time,
"twas something I could not define.
But one thing I observed and noticed,
a curious trait shared by all.
It seemed to go with a sword fight,
The serious need for a yell.
It happened with humans and wizards,
It happened with hobbits and elves
It's funny but it seemed that no one
Could draw sword without that one yell.
A cave troll broke in through the doorway.
A hugh thing, some ten feet tall.
There's no way I cared to be dinner
So I hid somewhere close to the wall.
Aw geez, I don't ever remember
a pain like what came to me, and
I realized that I had been skewered
By the troll with a spear in his hand.
*Drama would dictate slow motion.
I certainly gave it my all.
But geez, this is longer than needed;
Please, Peter, just let me fall*
"I'm ok! I'm all right! I'm not injured!"
I lied as I struggled to rise.
Aragorn just about dropped me,
And Sam could not hide his surprise.
They all thought that I was a goner;
They just stood and gasped at the sight.
I wondered if someone would help me,
Or leave me to lay there all night.
I'm thinking I need a vacation
from knifings and skewers and things;
But now I must carry the One Mug,
and see what tomorrow will bring.
I'm thinking some coffee would taste good,
especially after that spill.
Gandalf's been hoardng the One Pot,
I'll ask him for just one refill.
Feels good to relax for a moment,
Some coffee still hot in the Mug
With feet up and friends all around me,
Even the one I call "Thug".
We managed to dispath the cave troll,
Though my part was relatively small.
And now we can take a short breather,
Maybe ten minutes, that's all.
I think if I ever have children,
And they want to grow up just like me,
I'll tell them of all that has happened -
And teach them to stay caffeine-free.
I'm watching and waiting for something,
I'm not sure just what it will be.
Pippin will get into trouble,
Of that, I can guarantee.
He's playing around with some stage props,
I think it's a Dwarf, I'm not sure.
Oh Geez! now he's done it, we're finished!
He's signalled the bad guys once more!
So much for a break and some coffee -
Ah well, we should be on our way.
Gandalf is fussing at Pippin,
Gimli, I think, wants to stay.
Aw, nuts! it's the orcs! What a nuisance!
I've just gotten over one scare!
Being chased through this cave is not funny -
This whole thing just isn't fair.
I know it's somewhere in my contract,
It's there for someone to read.
I can call on the use of a double,
Whenever I think there's a need.
I thought when I signed on last summer -
That it would be real fun to do
A hobbit who sits in a woodland -
And just reads an old book or two
Maybe get lucky with Gandalf -
And ride through the town in his cart.
Wave here and there at the hobbits,
and otherwise look cute and smart.
I did not bargain on Ringwraiths,
I certainly didn't want rain.
No one said we'd film in winter -
This whole thing is really a drain.
"I'm coming" I yelled to the others;
Distraction can cause some delay.
We all ran across the long bridge,
Except Gandalf, who aimed to stay.
We all stopped and waited for Gandalf
Who stopped on the bridge and turned 'round.
We look to see what he stopped for,
But all we saw was the ground.
I stepped back some paces and wondered.
Why Gandalf would show so much gaul.
I mean, what the heck, it was nothing
But an old yellow tennis ball.
He snarled and he growled with such ferver,
Sure scared the hell out of me.
But others could not hold their laughter -
We didn't stop shooting 'til three.
By then, I was cold and was hungry.
The coffee was no longer warm.
there are no bathrooms in Moria -
I wondered if this were the norm.
And then when it seemed we were finished -
P.J. came and said we could go.
He then said he wanted a re-shoot -
At that point, I just shouted "NNOOOOOOOO!"
"Martha!" I cried in my cell phone;
"Do something! I think I will blow!
I'm cold! My clothes smell like barnyard,
My feet- you don't want to know!"
I don't know what became of Gandalf;
"Thug" carried me out to the light.
We all were exhausted and grumpy,
So Peter just called it a night.
Ah..woods, looks like home, I could live here.
The Dwarf says that we should beware.
He's been a bit touchy since Moria -
I don't think he liked being there.
But I keep on hearing some voices
Telling me that I shouldn't have come
Legolas thinks it's the Lady,
But I don't know where it's from.
"Yikes"! I screamed in the instant
That elves appeared out of the blue.
Elves were around us in seconds;
One said, "She's waiting for you!"
I just didn't think it could happen
So far from the city and all;
That we could end up so waylaid
By wood elves so blond and so tall.
"She's waiting for whom?" I asked one elf
Who walked by my side all the way.
He or she spoke in a whisper,
I just didn't know what to say.
"Do you think she will mind that I brought it?"
I asked the elf walking with me.
"Do elves of this region drink coffee?
Or do you all simply use tea?"
One tends to lose time in Lothlorien,
And distance is hard to get down.
The sun's never where you'd expect it,
And the moon is always full round.
We walked for what seemed like hours
through a forest so green and so gold.
I wondered at who would arrange this,
She must be someone very old.
"She's waiting" was all I could think of.
The script was accurate to date.
I'd dreaded this shooting for days now,
The scenes that had just me and Cate.
"She's waiting", I bet she saw Flipper!
This actress who seems way too cool.
She probably won't even see me,
Except in her eyes as a fool.
Oh well, I will give it my best shot,
And just do the scenes as I can.
I won't tell her I am so nervous,
And that I am really a fan.
Have you ever had one of those weird days,
Where nothing seemed normal to you?
Just when you think you know something,
You learn just the opposite's true?
That happened to me in Lothlorien;
I truly thought this was the end.
Simply put, Cate went ballistic
When I showed her the Mug in my hand.
It was such an innocent gesture,
To offer the One Mug to her.
Who knew she would throw such a tantrum -
And throw the whole set in a stir.
And then, as if that weren't sufficient,
She wanted her nose in my hair.
I said, "that's enough, this is crazy -
Excuse me, but I'm outta here!"
In the morning we all were made ready
for the hard days that now lay ahead.
The elves gave us presents and staples,
And some kind of really good bread.
The elves serves us coffee and waybread,
But brownies would suit me well too.
I think when I arrive at Mordor,
I'll wish I had saved one or two.
So we left in three boats down the river;
The One Mug, the others and me.
I wondered about this old river,
And if it ran out to the sea.
We stopped after traveling ten days
And camped by the shore in the trees.
I couldn't believe we would stay there,
I knew I was going to freeze.
So Sam built a fire for my comfort
While I took a walk in the woods.
I wanted to spend time just thinking
And Aragorn said that I could.
He told me to stay close to others
And not wander far from the shore.
He said, "just be gone for an hour,
And be sure not a minute more".
Well, sometimes it just isn't in me
To listen and follow the rules.
I walked til I found some old ruins,
and thought to myself, "this is cool".
I curled up and slept on a statue;
Was cozy in my little spot.
I dreamed of old Bilbo at Bag End,
And I sure missed the old coffee pot.
What's that, was I dreaming or something,
What was that! What do I hear?
Footsteps are quickly approaching -
I thing that the enemy's near.
I knew it would happen to someone,
Gandalf said this would occur.
The Mug would take over eventually,
Which one of us, he wasn't sure.
I thought from the first at the Council
When we all discussed the One Mug,
That there and then it was for certain,
The one who would try was the Thug.
He sounded all nice and was friendly,
And talked about coffee and tea.
He offered to take me to Starbucks
And thought to himself I'd agree.
He threw down the sticks he collected,
And threatened me just with his glance.
I thought "I'm too small to out-fight him,
And too weak to make a good stance.
The ring Bilbo gave me for Christmas,
I kept in my coat pocket still.
I put the ring on my forefinger,
And took off real fast up the hill.
This I know well about humans,
Where one is, there's others besides.
I ran smack-dab into Strider,
There just was no place I could hide!
"Where is the Mug", he said sternly.
And just when I wanted to say -
He yelled "Run!" and behaved like a madman,
So run I did without delay
I slipped and I slid down the hillside,
The sound of the orcs in my ears.
I never looked back, I was so scares,
The whole thing just brought me to tears.
Pippin and Merry were somewhere,
I hoped they would make it ok.
The elf and the dwarf were gone also,
And Sam! I hoped Sam ran away.
I head someone yell "Find the halfling!"
I'd never heard that voice before.
I sure didn't want him to find me,
I didn't hear much anymore.
So here I stand next to the lakeside,
I don't want to do what I must.
It seem so unfair that this happened.
The whole odyssey is unjust.
I thought of all Gandalf taught me
About the One Mug in my hand.
I heard a small sound right behind me,
A little voice saying "Where's Sam?"
"That's not in the script" I told Peter.
"I thought it was Gandalf who spoke.
That voice sounds too much like a Scotsman.
I'm thinking it is Billy's joke"
I cannot believe we hav made it -
The One Mug, my good Sam, and me.
I'm thinking a hot bath and party
Will set my little heart free.
Maybe a new car and CDs,
Maybe some clothes or some shoes.
I'm making a mint from this acting,
Whatever I do, I can't lose.
And now looking back I'm reminded
It wasn't so bad as I thought.
The days upon days of blue screening,
The trolls and the wraiths that I fought.
I'm so looking forward to LA
the Starbucks I know oh so well.
I'll sit and I'll read and drink coffee
And chat with some friends for a spell.
Lay on the beach with sunglasses
So no one will know it is me,
And soak up the sun as I lay there
With headphones I'll play a CD.
Peter has said wait a minute,
He's coming with something to say.
He wants us to all gather 'round him
Before we all call it a day.
I'm smiling because I am homebound,
I'll be in LA in a breeze.
He tells us "I'll see you tomorrow -
We'll start number two out of three"
So Peter came up with the idea
Of starting film two with a dream.
The first thing you see of this hobbit,
Is in the midst of a scream.
Humility being a fine art,
One I've not mastered as yet,
I would have preferred something subtle,
a walk in approach - better yet.
We wandered around for some hours,
We were getting nowhere real fast.
Sam said we'd find the right footpath,
But I was convinced we were lost.
"Oh no, we're ok, it's just this way",
He said with that humor he had.
I like it that he can be cheerful,
Cuz this part was making me sad.
"We're going in circles" I told him,
And so we sat down for a spell.
The fog was a nusance and chilly,
the rocks tore my feet all to hell.
"I'm hungry, you think there's McDonalds?"
I tried for some humor myself.
Sam pulled from his backpack some waybread,
Made by some Lorien elf.
Now water is ok for some folks,
And water out here is a gift.
But what I was wishing for mostly,
Was some coffee to give me a lift.
I didn't tell Samwise my thinking,
I thought best to wait and to see
If down the road and we get there,
He'll make some coffee for me.
Because I know he has coffee,
and a pot stashed inside that old pack.
I'll wait till he wants to surpirze me.
Until then I won't give him flack.
One thing I know that's for certain,
when we get back to the hotel.
I'm taking a bath, a long hot one,
and get rid of this stinking bog smell.
We slept for a while on the cold ground.
The stone in my back can attest.
But knowing there was something out there
Made it hard to get settled and rest.
And sure enough as I predicted,
this thing came and jumped us so fast.
The Mug was what lured him to find us.
His long search seemed over at last.
"Hold still" I yelled out of anger,
That someone would try what he tried.
To take from us all of our coffee,
for that trick he just about died.
Take from me lembas and water.
High tail it with Sting and the coat.
But dare try and take all the coffee,
for that, I would cut your own throat.
Sam thought it best to just tie him,
That gangrel and miserable sight.
It seemed rather harsh and uncalled for,
But letting him lose wasn't right.
This creature called Gollum was fussy.
He screamed and just wouldn't go on.
He said that the elven rope hurt him,
and cried when Sam said leave it on.
I looked at this thing here before me,
And felt in my heart i could trust.
I knew he could get us to Mordor,
I felt in my heart that he must.
"What kind of promise do I have
That if we untie you right here
You'll show us the way we are asking,
And help us to get out of here.
"The precious" he said he would swear by.
"The precious" his oath would secure.
I cautioned that swearing would hold him,
The One Mug would not provide cure.
Sam was insistant we leave him,
But I thought it best to comply
With the creature's request to untie him,
And his promise that he would not lie.
So off we went running trough pathways
That we had not seem in our quest.
We hurried and followed poor Gollum,
Until we just had to get rest.