The Bagginses

The Feet

A Poem by FrodoBaggins

I was reading the script that I'd kept all this time
and was thinking about how it'd been.
Was funny how time really flew right on by,
and now all of this came to an end.

Was it really that long since that first harried day,
When it seemed I had stepped out of time?
Or was this just some game the mind likes to play,
and I'll wake up from sleep so sublime.

Oh no, this is real as I sit on the plane,
and explore the one bag by my seat.
Out comes the ring and a wig and oh no!
Someone stashed there a pair of my feet!

Quickly I the stuffed the feet back in the bag,
And made sure that nobody had seen.
I thought for a moment that I could imagine
Just who the "foot culprit" had been.

Billy of course was the first on my list,
Since I'd seen him not too long ago.
He left in a hurry so hadn't the time to be
Playing a trick on me though.

Dominic maybe could pull this one off,
Though I doubt he would want to by now.
Last I heard he was home for a while,
Maybe later I'll call and say ciou.

Sean, he's my man, he would never do this,
Cuz he knows how embarrassed I get.
Besides he's back home with his wife and his kids
Telling stories and sleeping I'll bet.

Funny how Ian insisted he take me
Along to the airport today.
You think if I asked him to tell me the truth,
I would guess then just what he might say?

Before I departed, I had some spare time so
I went for my own little tour,
Back to the soundstage where so much had happened,
I wanted to be there once more.

No one was there so I let myself in
through a side door that nobody knew.
The space was so huge and so quiet by now.
And completely surrounded by blue.

So I stood in the middle just me all alone
And recited some lines I recalled,
Remembering how that first day i was there,
I spoke all of my lines to a wall.

I sat with the blue screen for what seemed like hours
And thought of some things I'd forgot.
Seems there was so much that happened these years,
Just couldn't remember the lot.

Sean was a trooper, I'll never forget how
He rescued my butt once or twice.
Told me not once to be careful out there and
Insisted I take his advice.

He always remembered the little details and
Helped make my day here and there
He even suggested some tips on the laundry
And treated me always with care.

I'm glad he was there when it got really tough
And I felt like I wanted to leave.
A friend like that comes only once in a while
and he's truly a friend I believe.

I must have been sleeping but I didn't notice
that someone was nudging my arm.
"Excuse me for waking you up, Mr. Wood,
But we're having a little alarm."

I looked out the window to see if the plane was
Still flying and not going down.
But as I awoke and became more aware,
My nose turned my face to a frown.

People were looking around as to locate
The source of some unpleasant smell.
I joined them in wondering what odor it was,
But then suddenly I could tell.

The memory had seared itself well in my brain where
Olfactory sensations retreat.
I knew in an instant that smell so familiar -
The one made by now famous feet!

Nobody guessed it was my rubber feet that
Was causing the plane such a stir.
I mentally checked all the stuff that I'd brought
But my mind was a bit of a blur.

My thinking was that if I had some cologne,
Maybe spilling some might hide the smell.
I carefully opened the bag by my side and
Was instantly under it's spell.

The scent that attacked me with vicious intent
Was the scent I had lived with so long.
But now, hidden deep in the confining bag,
The odor had gotten too strong.

In went my hand to locate such a cure
That I thought my cologne would privide.
The bottle was found while I innocently looked
Past the aisle on the opposite side.

With fingers so nimble I opened the bottle
And shook it without trying to move.
And then it was clear that Obsession and foot sweat
Did not the environment improve.

We landed and nobody seemed too concerned
that I pushed my way out of the door.
"Excuse me", I said as I made my way through,
I am late for my ride, nothing more."

I thought if I ever get through this in one piece
I'd find out who played such a joke.
I'd come up with something and pull a good pay back,
And have my revenge on the bloke.

It's one thing to come home with stuff you've collected
While in a place so far away.
But who would suspect that you'd want to bring home
Dirty feet that you've worn for the day?

I tried to look suave as I passed through the gates,
thinking no one would know I was back.
My coat and my hat were the perfect disguise
but what gave me away was my pack.

I walked rather quickly and kept to myself
Til I reached baggage claim, 'twas a breeze.
Then someone came over and said "hey I know you,
Can I get your pic, just one please?"

The camera he used could create quite a flash,
And was noticed by everyone there.
Two dudes in fatigues, they were guards I was sure,
Looked at me then came over here.

As they came even closer they looked even meaner,
But I was polite as could be.
"Oh man, what is that I smell, it is aweful"
As they were looking at me.

Try as I might I just couldn't escape and
I felt that my fate was all sealed.
They'd march me away to some office somewhere
and all in my bag be revealed.

I smiled as they asked who I was and just where
I was headed and where I had been.
Not thinking too much, i said "Zealand, you know,
filming stuff for the movie I'm in."

"Yeah right." The reply was no nonsense I though,
But I tried to be nice all the same.
By then, I was sure I'd convinced them that this
was just someone's idea of a game.

"You see when I left, someone put in my bag
Some old things from the costumes I wore
Just look and you'll see for yourself that I'm not
Making up this wild tale, where's the door?"

"Oh, No you don't" said the dude with the gun
with a frown that could freeze Gandalf's beard.
With one hand he grabbed me by collar and coat.
I was not going to leave, so I feared.

They took me away before I could protest and
It seemed that we walked for a mile.
Then into a room with a chair and a desk
I was put by myself for a while.

I wanted some coffee, a snack or a smoke,
But was told just to sit still and wait
I thought maybe I could at least have one call,
But clearly there was no debate.

The bag that I carried was put on the desk
By the guard I thought looked in command.
"What's in here, young man, and be honest with me."
I complied with his every demand.

"I told you it's nothing, but here, I will open it,
Then you will know I'm for real."
I opened the bag as they looked rather close,
To see what the bag would reveal.

Maybe I'd been so accustomed to wearing
The feet for so long, who could tell.
But when I looked up, all the guards in the room
Had collapsed on the floor from the smell.