The Bagginses
Home of the Lord of the Rings Caption Page (est. July 2002)
Geraldo Rivera Special
(by FrodoBaggins)
Geraldo Rivera:
*in subdued voice* This is Geraldo Rivera reporting from somewhere in Southern California, Sunset and Cienega to be exact. I will be seeking out the whereabouts of that elusive former child star Elijah Wood. There have been dozens of rumors and I will track down the truth of where he is. My extensive experience tells me he might just be found in the least likely places. As the camera crew follows me around, we will be reporting from where ever the trail leads. Stay tuned.
This is Geraldo Rivera. As you can see, I'm climbing this - ooff - tree which is at the home of - umph - Elijah Wood. By climbing this tree, I hope to get a better - uuff - view of the actual -ouch - house to see if Mr. - ooff - Wood is there at all.
A few - ooff - more feet up and I should be able to , - uh - , - uh oh - eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!! *thud*
"What the hell!"
"Oooooh. Elijah Wood?"
"This is unbelievable!"
"Uh, ouch, GET THE CREW IN HERE!!!"
"Wait a minute!. Now see here!"
"This is Geraldo Rivera at the home of Elijah Wood and I am talking to him now. You have been...."
"MOM!!!!!!!"
"Wait. Wait. DAVE! Get the camera on this guy! Come on! Move it!!"
"MOM!!!!!!! Look I don't know who you are, but you are on private property...."
"I am the famous reporter Geraldo Rivera. I am filming a documentary on finding you. I just didn't think it would be this easy. Besides a sprained ankle, I came off pretty well, dont you think?"
"Geraldo Rivera? Geraldo Rivera!!?? YOU are Geraldo Rivera?!? That's it. I'm out of here. And you, Dave, get off mom's daffodils."
"Wait. Don't leave! I have a report to do....."
*Walking away* "I don't believe what some reporters will do for a story. Need to find some peace and quiet somewhere...."
"This is Geraldo Rivera. As you have just seen, Elijah Wood has agreed to an extensive interview in the next few days and I will be the one getting all the details. OK. Let's get the hey out of here. My ankle is starting to really kick in here."
*In a whisper* This is - blub - Geraldo Rivera reporting live from -blub - the giant fish tank at the - blub - Cedarcrest Restaurant in - blub - Brentwood. I am camoflaged - blub blub - as greenery and there is not a chance - blub - that anyone can -blub - see me in here. The camera crew is standing by - blub - . I was - blub - able to get an inside tip that - blub - Elijah Wood will be dining - blub - here this evening. Pssst Dave. can you pan the camera over to the doorway. Dave..... Dave.... Oh crap! blub blub - there's a fish in my goggles. DAVE!!! uh oh.... help. Dave...... blub blub.....
*in a subdued voice* This is Geraldo - blub - Rivera and I am hiding cleverly in the fish tank at Cedar -blub -crest Restaurant in Brentwood. My crew - blub - has planted a microphone - blub - in the flower arrangement at Elijah Wood's table - blub - and we have a feed from that microphone. Psst. Dave.. Cue the mic. blub Cue the mic.
Ladies and Gentle - blub - men. We have the conversation - blub blub...."
*Static*
"Uh, Elijah, don't look now, but isn't that the reported who fell out of your tree this afternoon?"
"Where?"
"No no. in the aquarium. Don't look! He'll see you."
"You've got to be kidding...."
"Is he following you around or something?"
"Sean, he's been on this safari thing I think. Bugging the daylights out of me. Camera crew totally demolished mom's flowers, geez she was hopping mad. Then he shows up at the record store, and the other record store, and then Tower. I mean the guys a real jerk."
"That can be only one reporter I know"
"Yeah"
"Yeah. Geraldo Rivera..."
"Blub - Psst Dave... Cut the mic - blub - turn off the mic. Dave!....blub.....DAVE!!!
*Hello. You have reachd the office of Dr. Fox Spitfire. I cannot come to the phone at thiis time. Please leave your name, a detailed message and a number where you can be reached. I will return you call as soon as feasible.*
> Beeeeep
"Uh... Never mind...."
.......Somewhere over the Pacific Ocean..........
"Excuse me, Mr. Wood. There is a gentleman back in economy class that keeps asking if you are on this flight...."
"What? Where? Who?"
"I can't say. You know, Regulations. He looks a little like Geraldo Rivera. Just thought you should be aware. Can I get you anything?"
*Meanwhile, somewhere in the back of the plane*
"Hmm hmmmm hm hm hmmmmm hmm.... *Muttering* This is Geraldo Rivera with Elijah Wood.... no..... This is Geraldo Rivera standing here knee deep in the dead marshes with Frodo Baggins.... no, too cheesy.... This is Geraldo Rivera on Mount Doom.....hmmmmm...... yeah. I like that....."
This is Geraldo Rivera reporting somewhere in the... Hey. Dave. Up here. The camera. Up here. OK. eh hem... This is Geraldo Rivera reporting from somewhere in New Zealand. My extensive net of informers has revealed that Elijah Wood, whom no one has seen.... well, except for me of course.... well, that no one has seen since February of this year, is here all right. My information has it that the actor is shooting pickup material for The Lord of the Rings and I am in position here atop one of the largest trees in what appears to be some forest set. It is strange since all around me is a parking lot, and then there is this bunch of trees. Elijah Wood agreed to meet me here for an exclusive interv.... uh. Dave. the - uh - tree is starting to move. Ladies and gentlemen, it appears that I am in the middle of an earthquake. Keep the camera rolling this is good this is good. God the ratings are going to be incredible! JNo. Wait. Dave. no. the tree is really moving. Uh oh. What is this!!! DAVE!!! Stop this tree!! Do something!!!! HELP!!!!!!!!!!!! Get me out of this thing!!
"Hey you! You up there!"
"Who... me?"
"Yeah you in the tree! What are you up to there. Now come down instantly!"
*Awkward decent out of tree.....*
"Uh.. yes well, *brushing off safari jacket* I am Geraldo Rivera, famous American reporter..."
"I don't care if you're Billy Boyd. What were you doing in the Treebeard here?"
"I'm a reporter. Elijah Wood is going to meet me here any minute for an interview and......"
"Hmm.. you don' look like any famous American reporter I've ever heard of."
"Oh, it's the nose thing. I had a recent injury on the front lines of...er........"
"You have to leave. No one is allowed on the set without security clearance and I.D......."
"Oh, how do you get one of those?"
"You have to be directly involved in the filming. Now come along before this famous reported gets reported to the local authorities."
"But my interview......."
"Look, Mr. Famous Reporter. It's three in the afternoon. You're not going to catch anyone here today. They've all gone on location. Now. Scoot along and stay out of this studio. Be a good lad now."
*standing outside looking around*
"On location............................... DAVE!! Hurry! Gotta go!!"
*Finds crumpled paper on the ground and reads....*
MEMO TO: E. Wood
SUBJECT: Script change and re-shoot
Elijah. Please be ready to re-shoot parts of the Grey Havens scenes this morning. Disregard any prior costume / makeup requirements and be prepared for the Havens. Sorry for the sudden change, but the weather is perfect for those shots. A helicopter will take you and sean to the filmsite at 6:00 am.
Peter.
"Hmmm... film site. Grey Havens.. This could be the biggest scoop yet. The finale! Geez, if I could get a piece of that action, I could write my ticket to any talk show. Ratings will soar!! Mwahaha! Gotta get there. @#%$! How old is this memo!?! DAVE!!! Get the camera gear. Hurry! We're out of here!!"
*In a subdued voice* Psst. dave. Pan the camera from me to the set after I start my commentary. Ok.. Ready. Oh. is my hair ok? All right. *Still in a subdued voice* This is Geraldo Rivera and I have hiked three hours through the New Zealand marshes and paddled another four hours to this remote film site where the final scenes of the Lord of the Rings trilogy are being filmed at this moment. Everyone is stone still waiting for Peter Jackson's cue and Elijah Wood to emerge from the woods over to my right. I think it is to my right. I'm not too sure, as this whole set is surrounded by dense forest. This is good because it gives me cover too. Oh. sshhh. Peter Jackson is looking in my direction. Oh this is hot. OK. He's just called action. This is it and we're taping it live. uh oh......" *Looks back over his shoulder*
"Sam, I must go overseas. There's no other way. You'll be......what th...oooofff.......*thud*
"It's you! That creepy reporter in the fish tank!"
*from a distance* "CUTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!"
"Hello...er... Dave! the Camera!... I'm Geraldo Riv......"
"oooowww my back!"
"Now look what you've done. Where the hell did you come from anyway?!"
"I'm a famous American reporter looking for...."
*from a distance* "What's going on there! Elijah! are you goofing off again?! Come on! Let's get with it guys!"
"ooowwwww....."
"Mr.Wood, I hear the fellowship all got tattoos. Is that correct?"
"Ooowwww I don't beLIEVE this!"
Good evening. This is Connie Chung reporting from Wellington, New Zealand where this afternoon, American journalist Geraldo Rivera was arrested on a number of charges stemming from an attempt to interview film star Elijah Wood. No details are available at this time but it is believed that Mr. Rivera will be released from custody this evening. In other related news, Elijah wood was flown by helicopter from a remote location film suffering what his co-star Sean Astin said was a possible back injury from a freak accident involving what he described as a troll with a pen. More on this story as information becomes available. This is Connie Chung in New Zealand.
"This is Geraldo Rivera standing outside the gate of one of New Zealand's national parks. Uh, Dave, we can edit in the name later. OK Let's make this look good. The New Zealand National Park Police have banned this reporter from entering the park after collaborating with Peter Jackson, director of Lord of the Rings, to exclude me and my camera crew from the park. As with all my reports from the front lines, and there have been many in my extensive and award-winning career - Dave, leave that in there - I will be relentless in my pursuit of the goal, to show the world that I know where Elijah Wood is hiding out."
"Wait, Geraldo. But doesn't everyone know he's filming bits of the movie right now?"
"Oh come on, Dave. Work with me here. This is good stuff. Now. Let's wrap this up."
"Well, ok. If you say so."
"So here I am, dauntless in my quest - get it? quest? oh this is sooo good.. - and I will not be discouraged by a little run in with local authorities."
*from a car stopping at the entrance* Oh! Mommy!! Look!! It's Aragorn!!!"
"Psst. Dave. Pack up the camera. Come on. *walk over to car* Er... Hi there folks."
"You dont look like Viggo Mortensen"
"Yes he does!!! yes he does!!! It's Aragorn!!!"
"Yes and I - uh - missed my ride to the film set. Can you give me and my - um - stunt double a lift?"
"Well, I don't know..."
"Please mommy pleeeaassseeeee"
"Well, ok. Get in the back"
Gee, thanks lady. uh. Want an autograph?...?
"Court calls Geraldo Rivera, case number 03488."
"You honor, my client is not available at this time"
"Mr. Stapleton, this is an arraignment. Your client is required to be here."
"Yes I know, however due to circumstances beyond my control,..."
"So noted. I will issue a bench warrant for failure to appear. Next case."
*meanwhile.....*
"I don't know about this. You know what happened last time you crashed the set..."
"I didn't crash the set. This is what reporting is all about. It's getting in the mud. It's climbing every mountain. It's..it's going where the common guy wouldn't dare go. It's the adrenaline rush, the 9 g's. Dave. This is life itself. And we're a part of it. we're going to make history. You'll see."
"All right. Where should I set up? We're going to lose the angle of the sun if we stay here."
"Um... go over there. in that clearing. Nothing will obstruct the camera's view when I meet up with Frodo Baggins on his way to. uh... Where is it they're going?"
"You mean here?"
"Yeah. there ok. See? Perfect site. The two of them will walk through these boulders down this narrow valley and you're in a position to get the best shot. When they are in sight, I'll step out from behind this ledge and finally....finally get my interview! I am that good."
*Long pause..... then from somewhere*
"Let's 'hav the Uruks run full speed now! Hurry along! Come on!! You're supposed to be charging through the pass to get to the Black Gate berfore any others!! Put everything into it!!! You're a @#%$ American Football Team and you're after the ball! You're out of control rampaging through anything not bolted down!! YES!!! That's it! Mow 'em down Uruks!"
"uh oh. Wrong scene maybe? Psst. Dave. Behind you.... Dave.... DAVE!!!!!!!!
*Meanwhile in Wellington...*
"Isn't it nice, Sean, that Peter cancelled our shoot for the day...."
"Final call for Flight 452 to Los Angeles at gate number B14"
"Is there anything I can get for you?"
"No thank you. I'm just a little nervous. Are we leaving soon?"
"We will be pulling out from the gate in, oh, 2 minutes."
"Oh. OK." *sounds of nail biting*
*15 seconds later*
"Oh ma'am."
"Yes. Is there something you would like now?"
"Are we leaving soon?"
"Yes. We will depart in about a minute and a half. You sure you're ok?"
"Oh yes. Just anxious to get home I guess."
"A pillow? Magazine?"
"No. I'll be ok" *more sounds of nail biting*
*30 seconds later*
"I don't want to be a pest......, but aren't we leaving soon?"
"Yes. we are leaving now. Sure you don't want anything."
*feeling of motion*
No, I'm ok now"
*meanwhile at Gate G57*
"WHAT!!??? There was a gate change? How could there be a gate change!? I'm Geraldo Rivera! I'm supposed to know these things! I am a world class investigative reporter and I didn't know there was a gate change?!"
"I'm terribly sorry, Mr. um.. uh.. Rivera. It was announced half an hour ago. We can put you on a later flight..."
"Ok ok. When's the next flight to LA? Geez..."
"10:00 pm. Nine hours from now, leaving at this gate. Would you lke to book that flight?"
*on a notepad*
Ideas..........(scratch) Epiphanies......
What worked
1. Laptop. Internet access
2. Looks (rugged, lean)
3. Name
4. Reservations and rental info
5. Sound and video equipment (star)bonus for Dave
6. $ for info and bribes
7. Banana Republic stuff. (cool)
What Didn't Work
1. Laptop (rain)
2. Tips - bad info e.g. havens and orcs.
3. Sean Astin (XXXXXXXX)
4. NZ authorities
Items to Pick Up in LA
1. Teeth whitener
2. New laptop
3. Shoes
4. Sunglasses
Where to Look
a. Starbucks
b. Movie theaters
c. CD stores
d. Beach (?)
e. Residence.. (Scratch) been there done that
f. Santa Monica bars.
"Ok Dave. Let's set up here. This is good. This is good. Get the camera positioned so that it picks up the shop in the background."
"Here?"
"Yeah that's ok. Ok. How do I look. Wait. wait 'til some people notice I am doing a segment here. How do I look."
"Uh... fine."
"Ok. Let's do this in one take... Hello. Geraldo Rivera reporting. I am standing outside the 'You Name It We Got It' costume shop on Sunset Boulevard in Los Angeles. I have just traveled 20 hours from New Zealand after missing my flight. I haven't eaten in two days and two nights and walked three miles to get to this store where it is reported that Elijah Wood rented the costume that he used when he made his audition tape for Director Peter Jackson, or so I am told by industry insiders with whom I am well and play golf with.
In just a minute I will go inside to inquire about costume rentals and perhaps find something there that will aid me in blending into the younger LA scene. It is my theory that Elijah Wood is hiding somewhere in this city. By becoming one of the natives, so to speak, I will be able to move about without detection. That has always been my trademark, to blend in, as it were. How was that, Dave?"
"This is Geraldo Rivera and I am reporting from Sunset Boulevard in Los Angeles. I have just received word from one of my many lackies... er..... Dave, let's start that again. Ready?
This is Geraldo Rivera and I am reporting from Sunset Boulevard in Los Angeles. I have just received word from one of my many stools... uh. Let's try it again from the top. Could you at least hold the camera still? Thank you. Is my hair ok? Ready?
This is Geraldo Rivera and I am reporting from Sunset Boulevard in Los Angeles. I have just been told by the highest authority.. well other than myself that is... um. we can edit that out later..... ok.
I have just been told by the highest authority that Elijah Wood is here at Amoeba Music. The management of the music store has made it clear that cameras are not permitted inside the premises but I have wired myself with a microcam and am about to enter the store. As you know, this is a highly dangerous thing I am about to do and will require the upmost care and strategy. I do not know where in the store Mr. Wood is to be found but I am convinced once inside, I will be able to locate him. You should recall that no one has seen the actor in several months, well, except for me of course, however briefly... Dave, edit that out later.."
"Geraldo, why not just wait til he comes out. You could save yourself a lot of hassle.."
"You don't understand. That is why you are still a cameraman and I am the world class investigative reporter. Geraldo Rivera does not wait for his prey. He goes after it. No matter where the trail leads."
"All right..."
"Viewers, I am crossing the stre... DAVE!!! The camera! Over here! On ME!!!!!!!" Ok. Geez. OK. I am crossing the street. It is dangerous because at this location, I am jaywalking and traffic is very dangerous. I am placing my life at risk for this story. And now I will switch on the microcam and enter Amoeba Music. Follow me as I hunt down the secretive and shadowy Elijah Wood."
*Meanwhile... across the street......*
*Talking to a friend* "Dude, I was able to find some really obscure cds today. And I think......hey. aren't you that camera man that has been following me around with that reporter guy?"
"Uh....yeah. Dave. Dave Walsh. How you doing."
"Where's that reporter. He's around here somewhere isn't he?"
"Yeah. He's got a microcam and he went into Amoeba Music across the street."
"So, what are you doing out here?
"Aw. nothing. Just hanging until Mr. World Class Investigative Reporter comes back out."
"Dude, want to get some coffee? You look like you could use some."
"Sure, let me pack this gear up....."
*In subdued voice* This is Geraldo Rivera reporting from the bowels of Amoeba Music in Los Angeles. Never before has the threshold of this music geek sanctuary been crossed by one so intrepid as I. As you can see via the microcam I have hidden on me, I am walking around blending in, trying to be one with the music culture here. I have not spotted that ellusive Mr. Wood, but I am not discouraged by this lack of a sighting. He is here and I will find him. I am going up stairs to look around. I cannot believe it is this easy. But then, I am Geraldo Rivera."
*Meanwhile, on another frequency....*
"1 Adam 14 we have a report of a man with electronic equipment strapped on his person at Amoeba Music. Do you copy?"
"This is 1 Adam 14, we copy. On our way"
"1 Adam 14, approach with extremem caution, He is reported to be armed and very dangerous, and he could be carrying a bomb"
"Is there a description?"
"1 Adam 14, the suspect is medium height, medium build, dark hair moustache, dressed in a safari jacket and dark pants. Store personnel report that he is at the moment just wandering around the CDs. I repeat, approach with extreme caution. Backup and bomb squad are on their way."
*From a bull horn outside Amoeba Music* "You in there wearing the safari jacket and the bomb. Come out with your hands up. The store is surrounded. Blowing up a bunch of CDs is not the answer to whatever is going on with you. Be a good sport, and just come on out.*
"This is Geralso Rivera. As is common in my investigative reporting, I have landed in the middle of a complex situation. I am in a music store looking for Elijah Wood and somewhere in the store is a bomber. The police have just made their presence known and now the standoff begins. People recognize me now and are backing out of the way. They know my reputation for saving the day and I think, no I am convinced, they expect me to find and disarm the bomber who is somewhere in this store. Elijah will be so grateful."
*meanwhile, in a coffee shop 5 doors down....*
"So i was setting up the camera when all of the sudden out of the blue came these orcs, man..."
"That must have been...wait..what's that..."
"Ma'am, excuse me, but what is going on outside?"
"Oh. Didn't you hear? the police are responding to a bomb threat..."
"Oh. well, what's new rihgt? ha hah ah a"
"Yeah. but why would anybody want to blow up Amoeba Mus...."
"WHAT!!?????"
"Ooooffff"
"OKOKOK"
"Grab the hands grab the hands!!"
"@#$#(^*@#"
Wait wait!"
"Is there a remote!! Is there a remote!"
"FREEZE"
"What th..."
"I am Geraldo Rivera, internationally recognized investigative reporter. I am famous for my reserve in crisis and steadfastness in the pursuit of the story. but.. WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!!????"
"Yeah right. Geraldo Rivera. Sure bud. You just be still there while we get these hadncuffs on, and you'll be just fine. Don't want any of these fine gents blowing your head off now."
"I think there has been a mistake. uh. Officer. The microcam. could you point it this way?"
*Meanwhile in the coffee shop*
"You really think anyone would want to blow up a music store?"
"Well... hmmm.. not really, but... oh wait.. Mr. Going after the Story is in there looking for you."
"Unbelievable"
"No really. He went in with a microcamera looking for you. Thinks he can get an interview that way."
"So no one is really going to blow up the store?"
"No....."
"Want another coffee?"