CNN Live Report

by FrodoBaggins

Good evening. theis is Wolf Blitzer reporting.
There was a break-in at the home of film actor Elijah Wood earlier today. No one was at the residence when the break-in occurred. Officials on the scene are looking for any information which might help them with their investigation.

We turn you over to Mark Lonnahan, who is at the scene. Mark?"

"Well, Wolf, it look like there was indeed a break-in at the guest house here. The police haven't been able to say too much, and, quite frankly, they look a little confused. Oh wait, I think that is Wood's assistant. EXCUSE ME! One moment, please. You are Elijah Wood's assistant?

"Elijah Wood's Personal Assistant, yes. I am just back from vacation."

And, you name is..."

"Martha Ruiz."

"Well, Ms. Ruiz, what can you tell us? What have you seen or heard about this?"

"The police will not let me into the house, but I think some one or some ones broke into Mr. Wood's home and removed his entire tie collection. I thin..."

"His TIE collection? Is that all they took?

"I think that is true."

"I mean, he must have a TON of stuff in there. How many dozens of ties does Elijah own?"

"MR. Wood had only one tie. He will be just devastated when he learns of this. Please excuse me, I must go. OFFICER! A word please"

"uh, Wolf, back to you."

***

July 11, 2002

Armani Clothiers
284 Rodeo Drive
Beverly Hills, CA 90410

Dear Sir:

I am attempting to locate the whereabout of a tie that would match the one previously owned by my employer, Elijah Wood. Enclosed is a picture of the tie. I am aware that it was purchased in your store and would appreciate any assistance in replacing it.

I would also ask that this be done promptly, as Mr. Wood is currently out of town and would be upset at the loss of such a precious article.

Please inform me as to whether or not you have a tie that matches the one here. Thank you for your attention to this matter.

Martha Ruiz,
Personal Assistant

Attached picture:

***

July 11, 2002

Ms. Martha Ruiz
412 S. Rosetta Avenue
Santa Monica, CA 94533

Dear Ms Ruiz:

Thank you for your inquiry, however, I regret to inform you the tie you have requested is no longer in our clothing line. I would be happy to send you a sample of the ties we do have on hand, if this would benefit your employer.

If there is any other way in which I can be of assistance, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Sincerely,
J. Bernard Hadley, General Manager,
Armani of Beverly Hills

***

"Good evening. This is Mark Lonnahan reporting live from Santa Monica. With me is also Chief Insector Patrick O'Connor. As you know, there was a break-in at the home of Elijah Wood, young star of Lord of the Rings. Apparently, the only thing taken from the residence was a single tie. Inspector, do you have any other information about this rather bizaar burglary?"

"Uh, Mark, we have called in a team of investigators on this. You know, we intend to get to the bottom of this, and..."

"But, Inspector O'Connor, don't you think it is strange that someone..."

"Or more than one."

"...would break into someone's house and steal only one item - a tie?"

"Um, Mark, the Santa Monica Police Department does not sleep. We have established a command center down the street - look there, you can see it in the next block. There is a SWAT team on standby and if needed..."

"A SWAT team?"

"We can call in support from surrounding law enforcement agencies."

"Chief O'Connor, do you have any leads as to who might have committed this crime?"

"Well, um, sure we have leads. And we have the entire team to focus on this. We've set up a parameter of servailance and security around this place to secure it as a crime scene..."

*looks off camera* I don't BELIEVE this. It's a tie, already. One tie. Jeez, this is nuts *looks back to Chief O'Connor* Tell me, Chief, have you called out any tanks?"

"That's coming. If we haven't solved this puppy by this time tomorrow, Santa Monica's gonna look like a war zone. We'll catch the son-of-a-gun if we have to call out the National Guard to do it. And when we do, oh boy...."

"Oooooh K. This is Mark Lonnahan reporting live from Santa Monica.

***

Message by WhatWoodYouDo:

Okay, I simply cannot resist:

Three Ties for the Elven-reporters under the sky,
Seven for the Dwarf-paparazzi in their halls of stone,
Nine for Grey Panthers doomed to sigh,
One for the Pale Lord on his geek throne.
In the land of Armani where Sharp Creases lie.
One Tie to lure them all, One Tie to find them,
One Tie to bring them all and fashionably to bind them.
In the Land of Armani where Sharp Creases lie.

***

"Good day. This is Wolf Blitzer. We interrupt to go live to a press conference in Santa Monica California. The press conference is in progress. We take you live to CNN Correspondent, Mark Lonnanhan."

"Yes, Wolf. This press conference began just moments ago. As you know, there was a break-in at the home of Elijah Wood. Wolf, as I have reported, only one item of clothing, a tie, was taken from the residence. It is unclear what is really going on with this. We do know that the Santa Monica Police department has really gone overboard with this one. Answering questions from the press right now are Chief Inspector Patrick O'Connor and Martha Ruiz, Wood's personal assistant."

"Have you had contact with Elijah about this, Ms. Ruiz?"

"I have not been able to contact Mr. Wood. He is not answering his cell phone, which, quite frankly, causes me concern..."

"But you know where he is?"

"I know that he has embarked on a bus trip with many members of an internet site he is fond of, but where exactly he is, I cannot tell. I dropped Mr. Wood off at a convience store to meet hi friends and get snacks for the trip, and I have not since heard from him. The Mexican authorities were cooperative and assisted by attempting to intercept the bus..."

"Intercept? Is there a concern for Wood's safety?"

"Please, sir, I will continue. The Mexican authorities, upon our request, attempted to intercept the tour group while they were encamped on a beach. It was our hope that Mr. Wood would get the message to call here"

"so, you WERE able to make contact"

"No. It seems that the bus left before the Federal Police could reach them. The Feds used their lights apparently to signal the bus, but that had no affect."

"Can I say something here? I'm Chief Inspector O'Connor with the Santa Monica Police Department. I just want to say, we're not ruling out anything regrding this case. As you can plainly see, we are treating this break-in and theft as a vary serious incident." At no time do we hold back from our duty to the communi..."

"Are you saying then that the bus sped off instead of waiting for the police? Doesn't that raise some suspicion here?"

"Well, sir, I quess it could, however..."

"Wolf, Mark Lonnahan. It looks as though the press conference is taking a new direction. What I've gathered so far is that Elijah Wood is somewhere in Southern Mexico traveling with a group if internet friends. The Mexican Federal Police attempted to approach the bus, resulting in what appears to be a high-speed chase. It is my guess at this point that the bus was able to allude the police. Well have..."

"Well, we'll find the little bugger if we have to declare World War Three. you don't mess with the Santa Monica Police Force. Not on MY shift."

"Wolf, I'll get back to you"

***

"CNN Reporter Mark Lonnahan here in Santa Monica. It's been three days since the break-in at the home of Elijah Wood, star of Lord of the Rings. I am standing in front of the Santa Monica Police station. There seems to be a report of a mail bomb, mailed to Woods residence from somewhere in central Mexico.

A package was received at the star's home by personal assistant, Martha Ruiz. According to police sources, she immediately brought the package to the police department here.

It is unknown what is in the package, but considering recent events at the Wood residence, police are taking every precaution.

We will continue to bring you live coverage of this developing story. I can say this, Santa Monica has not been this mobilized since officials thought the Japanese were off the coast back in World War Two.

***

This is Mark Lonnahan, reporting from Santa Monica. I'm here at the convenience store where actor Elijah Wood was last seen. With me is Mona Polaski, the clerk on duty at the time. Tell me Ms. Ploaski, what happened that day?"

"Well, hun, I was just getting some chewing gum when this group of people just like ran in. They were like nuts all over the store. I like looked out and saw it was some tour bus or something. You know, a bus load of tourist stopping at MY store? That's n e v e r happened. And then..."

"Did you know were these people from?"

"Oh huney, ya think? I mean, some were speaking German or what e v e r." They were all, like, just nuts."

"When did you see Elijah Wood?"

"Well! Like, he just APPEARED, ya' know. I mean, I'm like following these crazies around - ya never know WHAT they'll scarf. And I'm like turnin around and THERE HE IS! Do ya' think I fainted any? Like, in MY store? E l i j a h W o o d? I'm thinkin', No Way."

"Has he ever been in your store before this?"

"Naw. don't know. See, I like just moved out here. Two weeks ago this time I was like still in Brooklyn New York."

"So, what happened here."

"So, like, they all just grabbed snacky suff. Pringles, pop, beer, chips, that sort of thing. Oh, wait. w a i t a m i n u t e.. Someone bought a bag of trail mix. Go figure.
Oh, and, like, Elijah, HE comes up with a TON of Mac n' Cheese. Cleaned me out. Hey - I bet you dollars to doughnuts he's like not sitting with whoever got the trailmix. ya'think?"

"And so he paid for the food and just left?"

"Ah well, yeah. H o n e y - American Express Platinum."

"And then he left?"

"Yeah. like, someone sticks their head in the door and yells, like,'let's go!' They all paid for the stuff and split. One of 'em left sunglasses, but when I went out to give them back like, the bus was gone. Hey! (looks at camera) Lij! Cutie! don't be a stranger, hun."

***

WESTERN TELEGRAPH

TO: Elijah Wood
LOCATION: Quatemala City, Guatemala

FROM: Martha Ruiz
LOCATION: Las Angeles, CA

Cannot reach you by phone - stop
Worried - stop
Have tried local authorities - stop
Where the blip are you - stop
Tie blown up by the Santa Monica Police - stop
Too complicated to explain - stop
Are you eating right - stop

END

***

---